Well, he put himself in jail;

Unbelievable. He was out of jail and on probation..but screwed up his probation and is now in jail for a month until a new court date. The bail this time is 1000 cash. I made him sign a contract when i bailed him out last time, it stated I was not giong to post any more bail, and I was not going to give him canteen money in jail if he puts himselve back in...what do you know..he has called and asked if we can come up with bail  I expalin no...family does not have that much cash..but then he even asked for canteen money...tough love...I said NO..

That' it folks...I am done with my addicted son..and I have a month break  from him but yeass in jail is just around the corner for him...he is destined to spend his life in jail...he just wont let go of the heroin...
it is such an evil...Will he learn from this?????

Kids, DONT USE, you wont believe what it does to your parents

Unbelievable, Jack was on his third court date for stealing and I think the Judge would of given him a break but they made him take a piss test...HE FAILED..and he has been in jail now for two days.
He goes in front of the Judge again on Monday, that will be a total of  6 days in jail..maybe longer if he does not get out on Monday.
KIDS...DONT USE...I frigin love my son but I am so HAPPY he is in jail. I am at peace, I can leave
my pocketbook out. I JUST LOVE HIM NOT BEING HERE...and I hate having to say that..I really do.
Kids, heroin is evil and will destroy you and break your families hearts.

Anyways....loving the time off from having an addict living with me. I just pray it would stay like this...
Isn't that awful folks.........it is so awful living with an addict, I mean awful. It;s just me and my little dog now..I would love to have a real family, but heroin doesn't allow for that....  I pray the madness will all end, I really do.

Retraction from my last post, I DO have faith

hi, everything has been going wrong.  On my 4th frigging interview for this new job they informed me
they did not realize what i requested as my 'needed' wages and they could not afford to provide me that.
What a waste of time. And my son, we got ANOTHER court order for stealing, this time it was tents...
so in June he still has THREE court dates we just got done one.

Is he clean...well,...he is trying....but its not really working out that great...what an EVIL Heroin is.

But anyways...i have faith...i am going to bed early tonight and i will be apologizing and asking forgiveness in the God above for my lack of faith. i have faith..and i will be praying most of the night.
i just need a break a small miracle must come my way sometime.  Anyways...keep the faith and PRAY
PRAY PRAY,,,,I do believe

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. ~Author Unknown

Hi, I have taken a few days from writing in this blog. Well, I have to be honest folks,
I have given up on my faith. I have been praying for so long for so many years and the misery
is still all around me. My job, the rumors are that they will let go of three more people and I will be one of them. I went on a job interview, got my hopes up only to find out they forgot
to check my wage requirement and they can’t even come close to paying me what I currently make. I live paycheck to paycheck and with the bills I have have (mostly from my heroin addicted son) I can’t accept a job with that much less pay….guess I will just have to wait out
and see about the rumors at work.

My son…oh you won’t believe this…HE WAS ARRESTED AGAIN..yes AGAIN!
So, he has ONE shop lifting that he just got through (had to take a court ordered class)
he is done with that…now he has TWO MORE shop lifting cases and one case for getting caught using in a public restroom.

I HAVE to have the strength to kick him out at the end of June, I have no choice, my depression is so severe I am thinking daily of ending my life. I have to wait until that court date that I posted bond for, it’s the last week of June. I don’t want to owe on that bond
and I know if I kick him out now he will never make it to that court date and I will owe.

The story of my life….OWE OWE OWE….
And honestly folks…my crap about PRAYING and having faith..forget it…there is no higher
power…so…suck it up and deal with it …
Well,…this is about the last post I will write as no one is reading my blog anyways.

Have a wonderful holiday and be safe.

dope sickness: kids dont start:

HI, my son tried to come off the heroin and last nite he started the detox, he has gone through this so many times it is heart breaking to see such pain in another human being. He had good intentions but lied to me this morning about needing a ride to his new volunteer job, but all he did was get a ride closer to his dealer and he is using today. KIDS, DONT START, you can never imagine the pain you have to go through to get off of it.

 I am at my wits end just wish I had the guts to get in my car and drive away from him and from my hellish job.

Well, judgement day never happened yesterday....I am so ready for it, I was actually disappointed
it never happened.

I am still praying, still applying for jobs, still praying for some sort of miracle to come my way to get me
out of this purgatory stage of my life.

I also pray it happens SOON 

Kids, here is a comic script about addiction, though there is nothing comical about addiction, if you can not read it try clicking on the picks to zoom in or print it out

Parent of an Addict: What’s it Really Like?

Parent of an Addict: What’s it Really Like?

Where There Is Life, There Is Hope

Where There Is Life, There Is Hope

Where there is life there is hope

A prayer has just been answered for me, my son was accepted at the animal shelter as
a volunteer. It may not be his career goal, but right now, he has no goal and no motivation.
The second half of my prayer for my son is that maybe this will push him onto a good path.
Maybe he will meet someone that will inspire him to do better in this facility.
Maybe helping animals that are in need inspires him to make a difference and let go of his own woes. He has a  kind heart and cares a lot for animals maybe this is a sign sent from God. Maybe, maybe not.  It's better then a couple days ago when we thought he wasn't even going to get a job as a volunteer because of his criminal record. The boredom of not working would make it just about impossible for
him to stay off the heroin. Not getting out into the world, staying home, relying on these so called
"friends" (dealers, the false illusion addicts have that the dealers are their friends) as his only social
network...he can never make it off heroin in that situation. This job provides hope, not only for him but for me, his mom.


He made it through his first court date, he will attend that class I told you about a couple posts ago.
He will take that class and that will be end of that, provided he does not get arrested or go into
that particular store again for 90 days after he takes this class.

Now, he has an actual job lined up. A wonderful rewarding volunteer job. I pray this opportunity
pushes him onto the right path. He is out of options and honestly, he is unemployable at this point,
this volunteer job could slowly bring him back into the work force. This job could play a good and positive influence on the court for his next two court dates.

I am very content with my home life tonite. I thank God for a good evening.
I will pray for him, pray for you out there suffering too and I will sneak a little
prayer in there for me, not only to get my son out on his own....but to give me
the ability to leave my current job and follow my passion.

PRAY....

When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home. ~Betty Bender

When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home.　 ~Betty Bender

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.　 ~Confucius


Hi all, had a tough day today. My son came home very late last night from helping a friend build a shed, when I asked him for a urine test he said he did not have to go and went to bed.
The typical bull crap is happening all over again. I had prayed and hoped that from his last court date it may have scarred him enough and/or made him grateful enough to stop using. Somethings got to give, I know it will, I know God
will turn this around somehow.

Then, my work, oh, I can’t even go there. It is just awful.

For moments today I gave up on my faith. But then a co-worker, whose job is going
to be terminated this upcoming Friday reminded me never to give up.
We purchase a lottery together each week and pray like crazy to win.

She will soon be out of a job, I will soon be doing HER job and the other employees
they let go and my son is not making my home life any better.

I will pray and pray and pray tonight.

Don’t give up hope in your situation either….keep praying, try to make the necessary changes in your life to change the course of your life if your unhappy, but in mean time, while you "wait" for something to fall into place as I am…..

PRAY

Just got back from church

HI, just got back from church. This morning at church I tried to just be thankful for all that I have
and all the good God has provided me so far.

Still snuck a prayer in there for a career change and my son to move up and beyond his heroin addiction.
But, one day at a time.

For today: try to thank the good Lord for the good you do have in your life. I know it seems like good things are null when you have addiction in your life...but try it...take a break today and just think of the few little good things you have or picture how it actually could be worst. Hard to believe when you have an addict in your life or if you're addicted that it could be any worst..but it could be...
I will pray for us all out there....if only we could get the word out there and if only the word was SO POWERFUL it put the drug cartel out of business....

KEEP THE FAITH AND PRAY!  If you are your wits end...try Church...just try it.

Heavy hearted today: Hopes of a job not so likely now;

Friday the 13th court date went much better than expected, read my previous post. His next two court dates are in June, so he has a couple of weeks to breath a little.  I am grateful that one of the bail bonds I posted was just closed out with the courts. I have one more for one of his court dates in June, I have to
get him to his court date or I will owe $500.00 in bail funds. At least one of the bail bonds is closed.
The other court date in June did not require a bail bond, he shopped lifted under $250.00. I did not even
know he was arrested for that until I found the court requests forms in his bedroom.

Oh to live like this...what a shame, heroin and drug addiction is so evil and only makes life miserable.

Jack, was hopeful when the animal shelter contacted him about training. He went today but only to find out that they "STILL HAVE NOT DONE THE BACKGROUND CHECK YET".
Ouch, he thought they already had done that and accepted him anyways. Even though he put on his
application his criminal record, he is not sure if the recent shoplifting records will appear.

It looks pretty grim that he will now get the volunteer job. What a waste, with his record the chances
of him getting ANY job is grim.

FOLKS>>>DON'T USE< DON'T BREAK THE RULES AND THE LAWS...it just doesn't pay and it
will nip you in the butt and ruin your life one time or another!

I will keep praying, he needs this volunteer job, it is so important to get him active and busy to
keep his mind off boredom and the urge to use. Plus, it will start reestablishing his work history,
after being fired from every job, maybe this would be the one time he flourishes and moves up
with the organization.

Oh...now I guess I sound silly...such dreams, such hopes, such prayers....

and me...dreading my job on Monday...oh..if only a little miracle comes my way.
I will pray. I believe, I pray to God he helps my son and I get on a happier and healthier track
in life...I will also pray that my blog and my book when I finish it will help others in similar
situations like my son and I. I pray for all you out there for safe and contentment with life.

Be safe everyone ....

God has a plan, I believe - oh, and HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13th

We got back from court not too long ago today. My prayer and the prayer I asked my counselor
(from the Stephens Ministry) and the Pastor at my church, we prayed that no matter what the court decided today, it was at the hands of God and it is for the best. I have been praying, and even begging God that he make the right decision today, if my son has no intentions of getting his life together..
then imprison him. Put him behind bars to dry out, stop stealing and to give me a break.
If there is chance, then keep him a free man.

The decision, well, the arresting officer did not make it, so the Judge asked the Public Defender
if instead of postponing this if she would want to try to make a deal with the store owners
(they were there). She agree. The outcome, they made a deal, my son is to participate in a special
program that has classes on "making the right decisions" in life. I will get you that name and
info in either this post or my next post. The course is $100.00. Ouch, but not impossible.

And...God took it on step further...as I stated in my previous posts, my son is virtually unemployable.
He has been fired from every job and now has not only his felony record, lost license to DUI, he
now has a shop lifting record. He had applied to work at the local animal rescue as a volunteer.
He was sure they declined him as he had not heard from them in weeks. Well, yesterday they
contacted him and he starts training tomorrow.

It may be the miracle he needs. A job to keep him busy, a job helping animals in need, plus,
not getting any money to tempt him from buying drugs.  Might be the miracle he needs, but he could
just blow it like everything else.  But for today..I am going to try to keep my faith strong and believe
that God will not make me endure this lifestyle much longer and he will help my son.

Now...if the Dear Lord would go just one more tiny little step further..and help me with my current job.
I just need a break...come into some unexpected money, or have one of the many companies I have applied for a job with (relocating to FL) reply and grant me an interview.

Suppose I'm asking too much....one step at time. Live in the minute...and this particular minute
life is ok.

My son has two more court dates.  Again, one step, one day, one minute at a time.
God bless and HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13th

Here is the link I spoke of above, but I believe the classes are assigned from the court system.
If you are in the process of a court hearing, ask your lawer about this program:
http://www.aspenofamerica.com/index.php

OMIG...I just kicked him out, and only a day from court!

OMIG, I just walked into his bedroom and caught him using and kicked him out. Just like that.
Couldn't take it any more. I know he's been using, and I have been putting up with it because he's
hidden it so well, but tonight, I lost it. Yup...

Great....Now that I put him out on the streets, ...he will do just that..become a street junkie..
so..great chances he WILL NOT MAKE HIS COURT DATE ON FRIDAY..soooo...i
will be screwed out that bond bail money and now owe 1000.00, the story of my life.

oh..if I only kept my cool and at least got him to court....

DOES IT EVER END>>>>>>WILL I EVER GET OUT OF THIS HEROIN DEBT I KEEP
PUTTING MYSELF IN>>>>>I PRAY TO GOD FOR HELP>>>PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

forgive my last post, I was wallowing in my own misery

Forgive my last post, I was wallowing in my own misery.
Crazy overload at work. Tired, and now, we are two days away
from my son's court date. Today I came home from work, the dog
was walked and the apartment impressively cleaned, all by my son.

Folks, I really do love that kid. All I can do now is pray. I don't know
what else to do or what other avenue to take.

All I had to tonight was turn on the news and see people losing their homes
due to floods and other people getting arrested for violent crimes.

Guess it all puts in prospective. Tonight, it is cold outside, we are safe in
a decent apartment, have some food in the fridge..and we have family,my
son and I and our sweet little dog.

Guess this is as good as it can get for tonight.....I must be grateful and I am.

Off to pray now...thanks for reading...

Jacob Marley- three more days until the court date

   Oh, Please hear my prayer:

I pray my son sees the light and WANTS herion out of his life. I pray that I come into some
unexpected miracle money and can send him to a rehab. While he is at the rehab, I pray that
I have enough funds to relocate to Fl to be nearer to siblings.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, I just pray that something changes and soon.
My job is so depressing my home life living with my addicted son is as depressing.

Please, hear my prayer.  I am Jacob Marley, walking this earth with chains and lead balls
of unhappiness.

Please hear my prayer, remove a view links off the chain, please.

Thanks to any one reading this.

Making bad choices today will create skeletons in your closet tomorrow.

Four more days until my son's court date.

My work also just fired a real decent employee, in our Sales department.
A good worker, a family man, had great sales up until a couple months ago and they are firing him. Unbelivable.
I'm stressed, something has to come my way soon.

Four more days until my son's court date and I am numb. I am exhausted and depressed with my job and
the anticipation of the outcome of my son's court date is weighing me down even more.

Tonight, we are in, crappy weather outside, we are  both in and watching tv,   had a decent dinner, the dog is sleeping on the living room floor, almost "looks" like the perfect American family....if there is such a thing.

I will reside to bed soon and I will be praying, praying for a good hour or so. If only a small miracle would come my way.  I will keep the faith, something has to give.
     this reminds me of me..HELP>>I'm drowning in life

  

my emotions on mother's day

My son came home tonite, and despite all my anger, he brought me a card it read:
"Blessed are the mothers
those women who are part superhero,
part SAINT, who give generously and hug
happily..those wonderful women who are put on this
earth to remind us to how to care of each other...
and most important how to love.

Happy Mother's day"

and then he hand wrote "happy mothers day mom, I love you so much"

ohhhhhh....my emotions are off the charts right now...I dread this work
week and dread Fridays court date...

thanks for reading

Easier said than done, I'm stressing

hi, well, my ealier post from just this morning encouages you moms to just let it all go for today and try not to 'fret". I started out ok this morning, but it's now about 4pm, I am dreading my overloaded job tomorrow and to boot, I went to go purchase a Sunday paper to job search, and sure enough, my son stole my cash out of my wallet. 99.9% of the time I am in full control of the location of my purse but this morning I ran outside real quickly with my dog and she ended up playing with another dog and I left my
purse in my bedroom.  He lifted about 25.00. Right now he is working for a friend building a shed
so I am left here at the apt brewing with anger.
I know you all are saying "KICK HIM OUT NOW" but remember from my previous posts, I am keeping peace until he has attended his three court dates (so I dont lose the bail/bond money). His first court
date is this Friday, shop lifting. He has a court date in June for another shop lifting charge and also
a court date in June for being caught "using' in a public restroom. One court date at a time.
The true test will be when all these court dates are done...I then have to show TOUGH LOVE and
kick him out.

 Honestly, I just feel like loading up my car and driving to FL. I just wish I had enough in savings to relocate and start over. My somewhat positive and cheerful Sunday morning has turned to a sour
angry afternoon.

Time for me to go and PRAY.......

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY LADIES,

Today, just put all your worries aside and enjoy the day the best you can.
Tomorrow is another day, today, let your worries go.

I will start my fretting about my job and my son's court date TOMORROW.
Not today, today is a day of rest.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
       -Mark Twain

Hi, it's Saturday. My son got a job helping a friend clean out thier garage today. The housework is done, nice breezy day out, got the windows and door open. Guess this is about as good as it gets. 

Jack, my son, goes to court this upcoming Friday. I am so stessed at work with the employee cuts that I took that day off, one, because I am about to have a melt down of the overload,
two,  I know it will be hard for me to concentrate waiting for the outcome of my son's court session. He does not want me to be there but I will need to know if he gets sent to prison or not. I have been feeling alot of quilt these past couple weeks about my lack of parenting skills during my son's youthful years. If you read my previous posts you will know that I am an alcoholic and so is my son's father, my ex-husband. We were both heavily drinking during my son's teenage years, the same time he turned to heroin.

I can not change the past but I sure can enhance the future. I don't drink anymore and that has made a huge difference in trying to keep sane in this life. I will repeat what I have been saying all along, PRAY. If you dealing with addiction in your life and don't know where else to turn, start by praying. I also really promote the "STEPHANS MINESTRY" program. Check into it at your local church. It is a wonderful program that does not cost anything and it provides a fellow peer to support you in these trying times. I will search for a link and put it in this post
for the program.

Today, at this moment, life feels safe. Like I said, my son is working today, with a prayer he will not come home stoned. I am resting and there is a summer breeze coming into my clean apartment.
I have put work out of my mind. I know as the week progresses I will be getting depressed
each day closer to Friday.

I talked with my counselor from Stephans Minestry and we both agree that on Friday, I need to be prepared to accept the courts decision and know God is control and it will all be for the best.  I trust this to be true.

As I sit here looking out into this beautiful summer day, I get a fantasy of going to my car,
and driving away, just driving until I run out of gas and money. And where ever I end would be my new home.   That image is what provoked my selection of my quote for today.

I know I am not happy here in this desert town, I want to relocate to Fl to be closer to
some of my siblings that live there. But, I live paycheck to paycheck and without a job lined up in FL I cant afford to do such an act. I have applied to jobs in FL, but again, with my credit
score (read my previous posts) and my background check, I am not a very good candidate.
So, I will pray for a mini miracle to come my way someday soon. For now, one day at a time.
Support my son during his court dates and struggle each day at a job I hate.

All I can say folks is "PRAY, PRAY and PRAY"  keeping in mind that God helps those who help themselves...so keep trying to make the changes you need in your life and for every wall you come up to..either climb it or go around it and ask God to see you past it.

ENJOY YOUR SATURDAY FOLKS


http://www.stephenministries.org/stephenministry/default.cfm/917

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ~Author Unknown

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.　 ~Author Unknown


Hi everyone, tomorrow is TGIF…AMEN…oh, and today is National Prayer day.
I am trying so very hard to read my quotes and to learn from them.
These past couple weeks I feel like Jacob Marley, chains and weights of doomed wrapped around
me. The stress of my job is unbelievable. My son going to court next Friday weighs heavy
with me also.

But, as my quotes that I have been selecting encourage "DON"T WORRY ABOUT THE UNKNOWN"
I have been trying to practice just that. But it is so much easier said than done. We have the last two office assistances still on board for two more weeks. After they are terminated, I will be solo carrying the office. I decided to take the Friday my son goes to court 5/13, off from work. I need a day off so badly and I really don’t want to be at work that day fretting. Plus I may as well take a day while there is still adequate coverage in the office.
I pray so hard to be able to laugh again, laugh from the gut. Dance, my gosh, I have not
gone to dance for years. Not for years. I live paycheck to paycheck and with my son’s addiction
I tend to keep to myself and not invite others into my life. I have taken a positive step,
the church I attend (not as much as I should) has a free ‘counseling" service.
In fact, my ‘counselor" comes over tonight. They are not professional licensed counselors, but they
have been trained to listen well and pray, pray and pray for the individual they work with.
I really need to vent so it will be nice to see her tonite. We meet about once every other week.
You should look into your church for such a service, it really helps. It
is called "The Stephan Ministries", it is a WONDERFUL program. Ask your church about it.

Back to my original topic, ADDICTION: I have included an interesting link on
ibogain. It seems a little bit of too good to be true. Below is the link. If anyone
has input on the treatment please send me a comment. I see how hard my son tries to get
off the heroin and I see how evil and strong the addiction is. If only a treatment such as ibogain really
worked. I would fight so hard to bring to the United States and make it legal.

Any thoughts on the treatment?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ibogaine

As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men's minds more seriously than what they see. ~Julius Caesar

As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men's minds more seriously than what they see.　 ~Julius Caesar
Loneliness, insomnia, and change:　 the fear of these is even worse than the reality.　 ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I choose the two quotes above because I needed them and perhaps some of you out there need them too. My job is out in limbo with major lay offs and my son suffers with a heroin
addiction and has one out of three court dates starting May 13<sup>th, Friday the 13th.

I am stressed about the court outcome, but oddly, stressed if he goes to jail, and
stressed thinking if he does NOT go to jail and forecasting he will resume his dreadful behavior. Lately he has been a great help caring for our dog and keeping up with house choirs.He has been doing odd landscaping jobs and goes days without using. This still sounds
awful, but trust me, it is the best it has been in years.

If I re-read my quotes I tell myself, let it go, what happens happens. Trust in God that the right decisions are made.

In regards to my over stressed job, well, I just have to come in and do the best I can, and
let go of my dreaded fears of what is to come . The sayings I selected have helped eased my pain today, I am not frowning as much today.
Just would like it better if I was doing the "happy dance".</sup>
　

Roller Coaster of life

Woe, besides my hormones are out of wack, my job is a depressing hell, my son DID come home last night and actually came home fairly early. He did not get arrested. I explained how angry I was about him not being there in the apartment for when the maintenance guys got there. He apologized and we sat and watched tv without speaking to each other. Now today was different, he applied for legal assistance, he cleaned the kitchen, when I pulled into the driveway today he was coming back from walking the dog..and then, miraculousy..he made a very healthy dinner for us.
Now, this is the son I dream of and pray for...maybe..just maybe, my prayers might be coming true.
He really is a wonderful person when he does not use. Next Friday is his court date, I pray to
God that the right court decisions are made.

I also pray dear Lord that you PLEASE PLEASE help me with my working life, I pray for a miracle and pray that SOME day I make my living doing my passion instead of my office job.

Please GOD, hear my prayer

He's baccckkkkkk

    Hi,  well, I was way off thinking my son was clean for any duration. He assured me he would be home all day today so I went ahead and scheduled the maint dept of my apt complex to come fix my circuit breakers for my bedroom. I blew a circuit and could not get my bedroom lights on this morning. A real simple thing, I said "don't lie to me" he promised he was home for the day. So
I scheduled maint. to come to the apt while I was work. Then, when I got home tonight,
from a work day from hell I might add, I got a note on my door that my dog would not let maint
into the apt. and when I came in my poor little dog was frigging out because she had not been out all day.
I am livid. I can tell he's been gone all day. I am really irate because he is suppose to clean the kitchen and care for the dog for his rent. He was suppose to even go to AA tonight.

He'll come home high tonight and I will most likely explode with yelling and screaming at him.
GRRRRRR..he could also have gotten arrested again or even overdosed. I never know how the eve
will turn out. About a year ago he came home and was out of it. Went to his room, shut the door.
Something was strange about it, I poked my head in on him and was ill at what I saw, he was actually
a blueish color and cold looking. I tried to wake him but could not, I held open his eyelid and his
eyes were rolled up into his head. I called 911 and the paramedics were there in what seemed like seconds. Sure enough, he overdosed. The paramedics said he was minutes from dead.

Folks out there, kids if you are using and driving your family insane, think about this....
I actually wonder sometimes if I should of ever checked in on him that night. I sometimes ponder the thought of how much more sane life would be if I had just let nature happen the way it was suppose to and NOT intervene that night. Kids, I LOVE my son, and for me to write those words horrifies me, but that is what this heroin addiction does to the love ones of the addict. It not only turns you, the addict, into
a crazed villain, but it turns the loved ones in your life into people they don't want to be.

PLEASE,,...GET OFF THE DRUGS and help your family stay sane!

Well, going to fix dinner. Will update you later to see how this nite turns out.

Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.

  HI all. It's Sunday, and I have the blues thinking that I have to go to work tomorrow.
In the midst of management letting go of everyone in the office, they also let go the cleaning person. So I not only have to do the work of several others, I am "suppose" to vacuum and help clean the place. The restrooms are disgusting. I know I am to do more in life. I want to focus on my book, perhaps
go to public schools and talk to kids about how devastating drugs are, oh, if I could only get out of my dreadful job.

Ok, enough about my misery. Back to my son, Jack. His court date is the 13th. He's actually been clean for a few days and my home life is tolerable. My prayer is to get my working life to a better place
and then dealing with my son's addiction will not be so exhausting.

I have read that if you vision yourself fulfilling your passion, then it happens. Between my strong faith in God and my belief of this theory of visioning myself living my passion I will be a testamony of the truth behind it all.

My new postive attitude: GETTING OUT OF MY HORRIBLE JOB AND DOING WORK THAT I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT AND FOCUSED ON DEALING WITH MY ADDICTED SON THE BEST THAT I CAN EVEN IF IT MEANS "TOUGH LOVE"
I know God helps those who help themselves so I will start by going out and get the Sunday paper
to seek out other employment opportunities. Then I will pray and pray for my son and for the best possible outcome of his upcoming court date.

Note this day I write this post and let's see how long it takes for me to get to a better spot in my life.
Let's see if this positive attitude and prayer works!

 

Keep on trucking

                                                           

Hello, I needed some cheering up so I added a rainbow. Yesterday was the pits at work. We are so short staffed it's not healthy for the few of us that are still there.  I've been looking for a new job but it is slim pickings out there. So, I will just keep on trucking. 

My son and I have been getting along fairy well these past few days. He seems to be staying away from the heroin. His next court date is May 13th. To be honest, I am so stressed and exhausted from my job that I actually don't even seem to care anymore what comes out of my son's court case.

I am still praying long hours each day. I need a drastic life change and I don't know how to make it happen. Sometimes I vision myself getting into my little car with my dog and just driving.
Driving until I run out of gas and money and what ever town I end up in that's where I would try to
start my life over again. Destiny. For now, I will just plug along, suffer daily at my job and
wait until we have the outcome of my son's court cases.

For now: Keep on trucking everyone, be safe.

   

God helps those who help themselves

A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.
       


    I had just typed out a really long post and my pc rebooted so I lost it all. I also FOOLISHLY
went on an interview today for a SALES rep for an Insurance company. Now, don't get me wrong, I know Ins. Sales rep can make good money and it's an important job, but it's not me, and I was "tricked" into the interview, thinking I was interviewing for an office position. TWO HOURS later into this so called interview I got the balls to stand up to the speaker(several other suckers were there to) and say
"I am so sorry, but I have to leave now". When I returned to my current job, (from my so called DR
APPOINTMENT) I was so extra OVERLOADED I wanted to die. 

I know "God helps those who help themselves". So I have feverishly been applying for less stressful jobs, but again, my bad credit due to my son (school loan and bankruptcy from hiring lawyers for his
felony charges several years ago) and with my DUI a few years back, my chances of landing a mint job are about null.

On a strange up note; , my heroin addicted son, that has lost every job due to his addiction
and is unemployable at this time due to his background history, worked under the table for a decent man doing landscaping and received a little cash. Today he presented me with an IPOD ( from a pawn shop, but never the less a very nice gesture) and a little bit of rent money.

OMIG:   WOW. I can not tell you how many Walkmans, MP3 Players and IPods I have tried to enjoy over the past 10 years and he has managed to get his hands on them and sell them for heroin.

WOW...CRAPPY day for work, but a more pleasant day in my home life. 

I guess I will be happy with the hand I was dealt today. I had to write this post today in order to see
the good in today versus the bad.

Advice to you, WRITE IT DOWN: GOOD VERSUS BAD. Write down what you have to be thankful
for no matter how trivial it may seem to you.

Be strong and PRAY, sort of doubting my faith agian today but I still stand by it.

Be safe and be strong!

 



I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.　 I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.　 ~Mother Teresa

　
　
　Woe, what a day from H_ll. I mean it is too much. As I told you yesterday, the company I work
for laid off three office employees. The company is "outsourcing" some of the work so
they laid off three fabulous workers. I am depressed about it. I really can’t stand my job, plus
I live in an ugly desert town. I left a quaint New England town and relocated here in the desert
hoping that my son, when he got out of prison in New England, would join me and get a new
start away from the drug dealers back in New England. Well he did move out to live with me and it worked for about a year. Then he went back to using. Oh hum.

So, in my current state of severe depression, I have a prayer that a little miracle happens, like
a little lottery win, not millions, though that would WONDERFUL, but several thousand dollars so
I can off my debt and relocate. I all ready researched it, I would relocate to Dunedin, FL. Yup,
that looks like the perfect town for me. I have actually applied online to jobs there, but I
have a huge employment problem: 1. Employers inquire about credit score, that seems so
ridiculous to me. Well, I went bankrupt several years ago when I was paying for a lawyer for my
son’s felony (conspiracy to sell illegal drugs) and now, I have my son’s school loan dinging my
credit score. Remember a couple posts back I told you that I STUPIDLY co-signed for some
school loans for him. I really thought that college would turn him around. Inspire him to
get a great job (in IT) and move up and beyond his drug addiction.

Oh how foolish. Now here’s another "foolish move" a few years ago I got the big "DUI", yup…what an idiot I am. So now when employers do a credit check and a background check I look like a demon for gosh sakes. So, I have managed to land my current job several years ago and besides the outrageous work load, they treat me fairly well in regards to pay and benefits. I just wish the facility was located in Dunedin Fl
I am in such a rut right now. I am a little bit over weight, but working on that, eating better
and trying to walk my dog more. My job is overload and exhausting me and then to boot
my addict son is waiting 3 court dates. I haven’t dated in years, most likely because
of the grey cloud I keep secured over my head.. As you can see I have that place stuck on my mind. I really am a great worker, it s a shame my history files make me out to be a loser. I’M SO BURNT OUT WITH LIFE!!!!Oh, if only a little dream would come true. Boy, no wonder no one is reading my blog,
it’s too depressing. Well, living with an addict and an addiction is depressing.

But I have faith that good things will be coming to me soon. Pray, Pray, Pray….
that’s all I can say…Pray and Pray….I just reminded myself, Keep faith that
God will shine his light on me…BUT PLEASE MAKE IT SOONER THAN LATER,
I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS RUT!There, I just pasted a smiley clip art pic at the top, that grey   cloud HAS to leave me one day soon.


Until tomorrow.　

balloon/drugs and job is the pits

If you keep sincerely asking for what's best, God will give you a very good chance to achieve it - even if you don't believe in God!
       - Bill Blackman

God will always open another door for you

Phew, what a Monday. Thank goodness for my wonderful day of rest yesterday, today was a nightmare.
It all started when I arrived at work in the morning. I was called into our GM’s office and told
to shut the door behind me. That is NEVER a good sign. Sure enough, it was not good.
I was informed that our Corporate office has just eliminated the "OFFICE" ( I am the Office Manager)
and the three office employees, AR clerk, AP/Payroll clerk and the "Contract Data Entry" positions were just out sourced and their positions were eliminated. As there is no longer an office, there is no need for an Office Manager. Miraculously, they are still keeping me on board and are shifting around
my title to HR Manager/Service Dept Assistant. The big wigs from Corp came
into the office around 4pm to make the announcement to the office folks. It was horrific.
In these hard times to be let go from a job. Plus, my new position, I feel like a fish out of water, floundering around.

Then, to get my thoughts together, I went home for lunch. My son was not home and I glanced into
his room and found another BALLOON end on his desk. For those of you that don’t know, and I am not sure if I really know all about it, but some drugs are delivered in rubber balloon ends, tied off usually with a rubber band.
I will look online and give you more of a description of it. So if you start to find balloon ends
around your child’s room, BEWARE!
So he used again!

I am a little confused with my faith right now. I have been praying so hard for so long, and
I try to help others as often as I can. With my black clouds hanging over my head (a super stressful
job and a heroin addicted son) I wallow with my grief and probably don’t help others as often
as I should. I adopted an adorable little dog from a rescue shelter so I justify that as helping
the world in a small part and I also decided to write this blog to help anyone who feels
as lost as I do. Though right this very minute I feel like my world is shattered and should end as I feel so low, I am still training myself to trust God’s way, maybe all this is the start of my prayers being
answered. Plus, I have to be grateful that I made the layoff cut. I will have to see what God has
in store for me, I trust he is guiding me to a better place.

Until tomorrow, I’ll keep you posted…literally "posted" (with a new post)haha

Be safe!

Getting back in shape, mentally and physically

Hi all, I have that starting today, I am going to get back into shape,
I am TRYING mentally to get into shape...by making up my mind to force my
son out of my home after his court dates (if he does not get into the Salivation Army Rehab
and/or if he does not prove to me that he has overcome his heroin addiction)

As I struggle with the "mentally" fit aspect, I have made up my mind to at least
get physically fit. I am going to lose about 30lbs, start walking my dog
on longer walks, working out and eat healthier. 

Jack gave me a good Easter Sunday, he did not use, we're both home,
he did not disappear for hours and hours, and we did not fight. I told
him of my plan to start getting into shape and he agrees it is not only
a great idea, but he will also try his hardest to keep clean so it does not
stress me out and I revert to sitting around 'sulking" and worrying eating
unhealthy 'comfort" food.

This is a good day folks, my years and years of praying for a turn around, it
might just be happening. Now,...if I could get a mini miracle and sell my
book and/or become a full time writer...now that would be my dream come true.
Dreams still come true...don't they?

We still have a rough road ahead, and the three court dates my son has to get through.
Maybe better days are ahead.

Thank you God

Fighting the addiction

The link I have listed below is a real good site to start with in your fight with addiction or
trying understand the addict in your life.

'Overcoming an addiction can be difficult, yet tens of thousands of have succeeded. You can, too.

Most people try and fail a number of times before they succeed. You do not want to use this as an excuse, but do not lose heart.

Admitting that there is a problem is a good first step (and a very difficult one for many people).

Even if you are "sober" now, realizing the potential problem is important. Your battle is often largely fought and won before your moments of weakness. There are many ways to strengthen yourself and make life more fulfilling, reducing addiction's attractiveness.

You are invited to print out this article as a "to do" list. I suggest re-reading it on a regular basis, to help you think of new, constructive things to do.

The more positive steps you take, the easier your success can be. Here are examples (some of which you may already be doing):'

NOW, Click on the link and get more info: YOU CAN DO IT!

http://www.heartsandminds.org/self/addictltr.htm

A quiet Easter day

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight".
Benjamin Franklin

Happy Easter everyone. Today is peaceful in my home. Just my son Jack and myself.
Jack came home Friday night. I think he was clean and I think he has been clean
this whole weekend. I did not get a urine test from him
to assure myself he was clean. Perhaps I should of.
I have mandated that he is to give me clean urine tests
in order to live in my apartment. When he uses he makes up every excuse in the world
as why he can not give me a urine test. Oh the fights. It's so exhausting.

By the way, I put a link on my blog of a good website for ordering drug testing kits.
The kits are MUCH cheaper online versus the ones in the store.

It was quiet all day here, cloudy and windy, a good t.v. day. Jack just scooted out to
see visit a friend. I never know what will happen when he walks out the door.
But, like I have said before, I am going to see him through and let him live with
me until his court dates have cleared. I posted bail bonds for him and I can not
afford to have him miss the court dates. The first court date is May, Friday the 13th.
Hope that's not an omen about how the day will go. This court date is for
his shoplifting. He went to a high end clothing store, walked out with an expensive
outfit and tried to return the outfit for a refund, about $400.00 and he was caught.
Amazing what the heroin stuff makes people do out of desperation.

Well, he returned and states he is in for the night. So all and all it has been a nice Easter,
no fights, no arrests, no ill feelings ...just a day of rest.

We have to appreciate those uneventful even "boring" days when we live with addiction.

I hope you're Easter Sunday was as peaceful as mine, and if it was not, if you had the fighting,
the door slaming, the ill feelings of dispare, hang in there, tomorrow is another day and you're
bound to get a peaceful day in soon. 

My prayers tonight will be for all us suffering with addictions or living with addicts.

GOD BLESS

Hmm, Jack has not been home since yesterday

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.　 ~Charles Dickens
　This will be a short post today. Jack left me a message on my phone last night that he was
staying over at some friends house. A nice break for the both of us. I was relieved he was
not arrested again. I hope I am not speaking too soon as he has not returned home yet so
one never knows what he’s up to.

This post I will share with you my trials and tribulations with drinking. As you know, my father
was an alcoholic so I know how damaging drinking is yet there was a period in my life I did not
adhere to my own warnings. I started drinking in my teens. I only drank at parties and when I did drink I drank to get drunk. I was a runner back in high school, I ran the half mile race.
My senior year I made it to the final championship race for the half mile. Can you believe that I
went to a party the night before and drank like a fool? The next day I endured a two hour bus ride
and then ran a half mile race all with a hangover. Of course I got the worst race time in my life and I will never forget the disappointing look on my coach’s face that day, I suspected he knew.
I should of learned from that day to stay away from alcohol but I didn’t. After I graduated I moved
out on my own. That was a real struggle. As you read in my previous posts I married young and was
pregnant with my son shortly after I married. I was pretty much sober for the first several years of my son’s life. It was after the divorce and the weekends that my son went to his dad’s that I started the heavy drinking. I would go out bar hopping, and if I was too broke to go out the bars I drank at home.
The real trouble started when I no longer just drank on the weekends Jack was at his dad’s house,
I started drinking every weekend. This troubled my son greatly. I remember the days I would come
home with the beer and he would meekly say "mom, please don’t drink tonight". I justified
it by usually waiting until he went to bed before I would crack open the beers and start chugging
them down. So between Jack seeing me drink on the weekends and then seeing his dad drinking each
time he was with him it’s no wonder he is an addict. Jack was in his teens (an impressionable age and I as a parent was a drunk, dreadful!) when I drank my heaviest. He was 16 when he first started using heroin, I sometimes try to blame my drinking on the fact that his using drove me to drink,..but was it my drinking that drove him to using?

So you see, I understand addiction and I tend to feel that I played a part in my son’s addiction
that is why I have been lenient with him over the years. But it’s been long enough, he needs to turn his life around or I have no choice but to put him out on the streets.Oh the damage I did by drinking. Later on I will share a couple of my humiliating horrible drunk stories.
Think I will go out for a walk to get some fresh air.

Happy Easter everyone, be safe!

The addicts saga takes a turn: Jail?

Never think that God's delays are God's denials.Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.　 ~Georges-Louis Leclerc

Today’s post was going to be more about me and my trial and tribulations with drinking
but the saga with my son has taken a turn. This morning, while I was getting my coffee in the kitchen and getting ready for work my son, Jack, waltzed past me and said he was going to try to bum a cigarette off someone. You see, Jack is a smoker, and since he was fired from his last
job (for getting arrested for shoplifting) he has to go and look for cigarettes on the ground
(how gross is that?) or walk to the nearby shopping center and ask shoppers for a cigarette
(just as gross) since he has no money and I refuse to waste my money on cigarettes for him. Especially since I live paycheck to paycheck.
I felt something was wrong. First, why was he up at 7 am and going out just to look for a cigarette? Plus, my gut told me he was up to something. I reminded him to come right back to take the dog out for her morning walk. That is one of his choirs he is in charge for living with me and not being able to pay rent. He assured me he’d be right back and waltzed out the door.
He did not return by the time I left for work.

Remember I said I had a gut feeling something was wrong? Well, I ran home during my
lunch break and sure enough, there was no sign of my son being home since this morning.
So I immediately walked the dog, poor little girl, waiting for her morning walk that long.
I am so irate at Jack for breaking his promise to be right back to take her out.

Well, it’s now 5 pm, and no sign or word of where Jack is. I checked online my phone
bill records and starting at about 6am this morning he started making ramped phone calls
to this one number, all calls lasting only seconds. I left a nasty little note on the kitchen
table before heading back to work that I hoped he got arrested and I am frigin pissed off at him about not walking the dog.


My hunch? My hunch is that he needed a fix. He has no money, so he went to a nearby
store and tried to lift something once again. My hunch also thinks he got caught and was
arrested again.

If that is true, well, then be it, he did it to himself and I am not posting bail ever again.
In fact folks, I have decided that this time I am breaking all ties from him and will not
visit or contact him while he is in jail. My dream, to buy a small RV, sell everything I own
and drive, just drive, with my little pup, and when we find a nice, quaint little town, stop and
make it our home. Start over, new life, with the heroin addicted son left far behind.
Cold hearted, cruel? Why not at least support him while he’s in jail? Well folks,
read on, and after I have finished all my posts, I will then ask if you would do the
same or not.

I still have that gut/sick feeling that something is dreadfully wrong. Man,
does this EVER STOP??????
Until tomorrow, be safe!

The start/early years in the life of a heroin addict: resort to Tough love?

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak.　 Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.　 ~Author Unknown

Well, my last post I mentioned I was going to talk a little about my struggle in the past with drinking and how that plays into my decision of not using the "TOUGH LOVE" for my heroin addicted
son and kick him out on the streets. I have to confess, if my son is not sentenced to jail time, (read my previous posts, he is awaiting three court dates) and/or if he does NOT change his lifestyle then after all the court dates have cleared (I don’t want to owe on the bail bonds) then TOUGH LOVE will come into play and I am putting him out on the streets. I pray I don’t have to do that, but I am at the end of my rope and I have no other choice if I am to keep my sanity. But for now, we will take one court date at a time.Anyways, as I mentioned above, I was going to tell you about my struggles with drinking and
my role as an alcoholic mother, but as I dread writing that post I decided to choose an easier topic,
my Ex husband, yes, the alcoholic husband/father. I will not cast stones as when it comes to my turn
at the ‘chopping block" you will see I am no better. Jack’s father, Conrad, is a tremendously caring person, dedicated worker, easy going, no violent streak, and even has a sense of humor, when he’s not drunk.

If my father was an alcoholic why in the world did I marry one? Let me shed some light on that situation: I left home to get away from my troubles and moved across country when I was 18.
I met Conrad and we started dating. A couple months into the relationship I caught him cheating on me so we broke up. I accepted a new job and moved a couple states away and he joined the Air Force.
Well, boot camp made him shave off his long hair, told him they owned him and scarred him silly.
Me, well, financially I was a wreck. My weekly grocery shop was limited each week to:
a bag of potatoes, eggs and milk. From that lovely inexpensive shop I could make:
Scrambled eggs with hash browns, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes with eggs, egg salad,
french fries…oh ya…those were tough years financially. So, when Conrad showed up at my
doorstep in a blue Air Force Suite after boot camp I saw him as my knight in shining amour.
We married a few months later. I became pregnant the week we married and caught him
cheating on me again about a month afterwards. We were two scarred kids
that married out of fear of surviving on our own. As I reflect back, to marry Conrad was like
putting a wild cougar in a cage. I knew then that my life would be a rough and rocky road, I either
divorce him and struggle as a single parent, or struggle being married to him and have some comfort of the support of another parent. Struggled is just what we did for the next few years. 　I finally got the nerve to divorce him when one weekend evening I was awoken by Conrad stumbling into our apartment at wee hours of the morning. He was crying, when I asked him what happened, he confessed that when I gave him my paycheck earlier the previous day to deposit in the bank for rent he went out and played poker that night and lost it all. I was dumbfounded. We were living the civilian life
at that time and living paycheck to paycheck. That was one of many of his drunken blunders but that was the one that broke the camel’s back. I did not start drinking and get my drunken blunders until a few years later.For a quick moment I would like to share and incredible story about an unbelievable act of human kindness that happened that weekend. Conrad was at work the next day and there was a knock at the door. I answered and there were three men at the door that introduced themselves and asked if they could come in. My instincts let them in, once in the apartment they pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to me. They informed me that they were the ones that Conrad lost the money to the previous night and when they heard he took my paycheck that was for rent and they had already known we had a small child, they knew they had to return the money. I thanked them immensely, and we even laughed together as they suggested I never let him know I got the money back and make him suffer with the guilt. But the damage to the marriage was already done and I filed for a divorce.
Jack was only five years old when I divorced Conrad and it was devastating to him. We went to family counseling for a short duration to try to help him except it better. As parents we did the best we could, but it never feels like it was good enough. Conrad soon had a live-in girlfriend that really had no
desire to deal with a child. So between me trying to date, going out to clubs with girlfriends and Conrad trying to work his new relationship and enjoying partying on the weekends, Jack was just
tossed around between the two of us with no real strong family base.

It was not long that Conrad and his girlfriend had their own child so the alternating weekends
Jack had at his father’s always had rivalry and stress. I, at the other end, was not providing the
best of a family life for Jack either. That will be my next post…which I dread.

So Jack’s childhood could have been better, could have been worst. And as I said in my first post
"get over it", no matter how good or bad your childhood was, it is never an excuse to continue an
addiction. It may have been the reason for the onset of the addiction, but it is never an excuse
for the continuation of the addiction. Well, this is a lot of reading so I will close now.

Be safe and remember, if your dwelling on your past "get over it!" move onto to a better future.　
　
　
　

Faith is believing that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is. ~Colette Baron-Reid

Today went well in court for my son Jack. The Judge gave him a court date in June.
As I mentioned earlier, there was a very good chance that he could of received a jail sentence
at any one of his 3 recent court dates (arraignments) because he has broken the conditions of his bond. The last of the arraignments are over now he has three actual court dates in place.

Moving on;
So he now has a court date in May and two court dates in June. These dates will
be the deciding factor if he is sentenced to jail time or not. So he (and me) are in
that "waiting game" of life again.

I am not sure that Jack is on the mission of turning his life around or not. He talks
a good talk, but that is a trait of addicts, they learn to con very well. He often says to me
‘mom, stop worrying about me and just live your own life". I then have to remind him that
he is unemployed and lives with me. I am paying on his school loan I co-signed for and
it was a program he never completed. I am still paying on a credit card I used to fix his old car. He lost his license to a DUI so I have to transport him to court. I transport him to court because I paid for his bailbond and I can’t afford to lose that money if he doesn’t make it there. Plus, he steals from me. The most recent that floored me happened just a few weeks ago. I finally treated myself to a couple new pieces of clothing, as all of mine are starting to look old and worn. I purchased a pair of pants and a shirt from the local Kmart. Unbelievably, Jack went into my bedroom and took the shirt out of the shopping bag and the receipt and RETURNED IT and kept the money. Unbelievable isn’t it? When he says "stop worrying about me and just live your own life" he is sincere about it, which just goes to show how sad the disease really is that he can’t even see the impact his addiction has on MY life.
Ok, now I hear you all screaming at me "kick him out! You’re enabling him!", ‘You fool!"
Have you ever heard the song "What's it like...God forbid you had to walk a mile in their shoes"
by Everlast? I have included a link to YOUTUBE so you can hear it. Listen to it,
and that’s about the sum of my answer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4z9f9Eybv4I

You have to remember from my earlier blog that I mentioned I am from a family of
alcoholics, I became an alcoholic and I married an alcoholic. So I understand addiction,
I understand anger against addicts and better yet, I appreciate support and forgiveness.
Plus, I have booted him out onto the streets before. When he lived in the streets he became
strung out. When I came across him I took him back in and revived him. Now, he
struggles with using and it is still ruining his life, but he is not strung out.
So, with that experience under my belt, and the fact that I made the choice to post
his bail, I elect to try to keep him off the streets at least until he makes his
final court date so I don’t have to come up with the rest of the bail bond.
So there is a method to my madness….I guess???

I have already provided you insight of what it was like living with an alcoholic father in earlier posts. My next blog I will tell what it was like being an alcoholic mother, ME!

Until we meet again…be safe and keep the faith!

To Jail or NOT to Jail, that is the question

Well, my son is currently at his third court arraignment. He has been arrested two times for shoplifting
and once for being caught in a public restroom using. So far he has already had two arraignments,
one for one of the shoplifting charges and the other for the using in a public restroom. He was
given a court date in May and one in June for those two incidents.
Today we find out if this other charge for shoplifting
will put him in jail for breaking his "bond" conditions or if the courts will grant
him a court date and not put him in jail while he awaits the actual sentence.

My prayer...God, do what is right, if he will not change his life, put him behind bars, if
he is talking to you and is on the right road, guide him.

Will update you later today as to what was decided in court today.

Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around. ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb, "Rock Bottom

Hi, well it’s the eve before one of my son’s court dates. Tomorrow’s court date is for shoplifting.
He is unemployed so he cannot afford a lawyer. I live paycheck to paycheck so I can’t afford
one for him either, and to be honest, even if I could I would not hire a lawyer for him. Too many
times I have bailed him out financially only to get burnt. I ridiculously cosigned for school loans
for him for "computer repair" courses. Thousands of dollars worth of school loans later, he dropped out. He has not paid a cent on any of the loans and as I am the cosigner, I am now in debt to years
of a school loan. It has destroyed my credit rating. "Why would I do such a foolish thing?" you ask,
I guess my only answer is ‘because I am his mother". The other debt I am struggling with is that
my son actually got hired as a computer repair person at a corporate a couple states away from where
we live now. I was so excited, again I thought he would pull out of his addiction with this new promising job that started him at $32,000.00 a year. I thought he would soon be able to start
paying on his school loans and he would put the addicted years behind me. The fact that he
even got this superb job and he did not even finish college was a mini miracle in itself. I was
thinking it was a gift from God.

It was only a couple months later I got a call that his car was broken down and he needed it for work.
I again rescued him by repairing the car with a credit card. Oh ya,..how stupid was that? Don’t answer!
Anyways, $4000.00 later his car was fixed. I did have common sense to pay the auto shop directly
so the money did not pass through his hands. A few weeks later, he was fired. When he returned to my home I found needles, balloon pieces and black residue all over that car, need we say more as to why he was fired?

So close to a good life but yet so far. I am still struggling to pay on that credit card along with the school loan. Oh ya, I have made my monetary investment in my son and those days are done.

So where am I at right now, well, my faith is its strongest right now. I am praying that
a righteous decision comes out of all this. If my son is not capable of coming clean and turning his
life around, then regrettably I ask God to have the legal system send him off to jail to save my sanity and to benefit society.

It is a shame that we put alcoholics and drug addicts in the jail system, they should be under lock and key in a medical facility, but those days are long gone and jail is the only place society has provided them.
So be it, if the good Lord knows he will never straighten out, then I pray the courts lock him up.
The second half of my prayer is, if the good Lord foresees he can turn his life around, if
the Salvation Army 6 month rehab program is the program that will change him, then
I pray to the Lord to allow the courts to see this avenue as the best way and to spare him jail time.
I am done praying directly for him, I figure my son, Jack, needs to pray for himself and his
rehabilitation, I have exhausted my prayers. I am now praying for my own sanity and may
the Lord do whatever is necessary to help me get my sanity and life back.One day at a time, we will see what tomorrow brings.
Thanks for reading.

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” quote by Alan Paton

It's Sunday: Day of rest
Unfortunately living with addictions there is no day of rest.

Two more days until my son goes to one of his court dates. Yesterday was actually a good day for us,
he stayed home and I don't believe he has used for a day or so. He said he is going to the
men's AA meeting tomorrow night. But those are words, actions are what count.

As always, I am in hopes that he is going to turn his life around, but I have had this hope so many times and so far it he has always failed. Plus we are not sure if he will be sentenced to jail time, some think that would be good at least it would keep him clean, but unfortunately, they get drugs in prison. I can only
pray and put my faith into God that he will guide us and do whats best for both of us.

I had mentioned earlier in my blog that I would give you this story from the beginning.
I never really knew my Grandfather, he passed when I was very young, but I was told he
was tough on my father as he was an alcoholic.
My father was also an alcoholic. He passed a few years ago and I am not here to wine about
the family past. I will say that when my father was not drunk, he was a real decent person.
I could go on and on of the "drunk" stories I endured in my childhood with my father but
I don't feel it is appropriate. There is only one story that I will share that will provide you the
impact of how tough it is living with alcoholism.
When I was about 12 my mother finally had enough of the drunken abuse and she served papers
to my dad for a divorce. She told me the morning she served the papers to make sure I
kept my baby sister (8 years of age) out of the house for the day while she was at work
because she did not know how dad would react to the news. We were on school break so
I took my little sister to the local park and spend endless hours there assuring we were out
of the house long enough for my dad to come get his things and leave.
After what seemed like eternity at the park I took my sister home. All seemed quiet in the house
so I figured dad had come and gone. We went to my room to play a board game.
It was not long after we started the game when I heard a car pull up in the driveway and
a car door shutting. I ran to the window and saw my dad walking up to the house.
Horrified and filled with fear I escorted my kid sister into my closet. We hid as far back as
we could in the closet. We sat there in the dark and waited. We waited, and waited and waited and
waited. I finally made the big sister decision that it was safe enough to leave the closet.
I figured he must of gotten his things by now and already left. We returned to our board game
and I move onward to look out the window to check that he left. Much to my surprise, I saw his
car still in the driveway, and before I could react and hide my sister again, I heard his footsteps
coming up the stairs. He was only seconds from reaching my bedroom. I was shaking with fear.
I sat next to my sister and instructed her to act like we were in the middle of the game.
"Hi kids", my dad said as he walked into my room. "Hi' we said. He was not drunk so
my fear started to subside. He walked past us and went to the closet we were recently hiding in.
He opened it and reached in and got the suite case that we were hiding behind. He walked back
past us without another word. I sat at my bedroom window and watched. It was not long afterwards
I saw dad getting into his car with his belongings and he pulled out of the driveway. It was
the end of our "family" as we knew it.
I often wonder what my father's reaction would of been if he found us hiding in the closet.
If he was drunk and found us, it would of been ugly. But as he was sober, would it have
left an impact with him how afraid we were of him? Would it have made him give up drinking?
We will never know. What does it take for people to give up drugs or alcohol?

To those who read this...don't let that be you. Don't let your family be afraid of you because of
your drinking or drugs. It is so unnecessary and ruins what could be a good life.

Ok enough for today....beautiful day outside..going out for a walk to absorb some sunshine.
Until tomorrow

All is quiet at the homefront

Well, it is Saturday, a lovely day outside. All is quiet here today, amen. For those of you that have just joined
this blog, my young adult son, Jack, is a heroin addict. He is up against three court dates, this upcoming
Tuesday is one of the dates, and it just so happens to be his birthday today. He is humble today.
He appears to be clean. A few years back Jack was a very heavy heroin user and to come off of it
he had to go through severe detox symptoms. As we go on in the blog you will get more details
on what that was like..so those of you who are contemplating using..>DON"T, it's a living hell.
Now, he is a random user, so when he comes off of it he does not suffer the severe detox like he use to.
But don't get me wrong here...even though he is a random user, it is still destroying his life. As
he has THREE court dates (two for shoplifting and one for getting caught in a public restroom with
a syringe and spoon, they arrested him public nuisance on that one)

Anyways, we have no idea what will happen this Tuesday in court. He may get a jail sentence, he
may not, he is taking one day at a time, one court date at a time. For today,we are having a steak dinner and cake for Jack's birthday. Jack has applied to the Salvation Army 6 mos rehab program and
wrote a letter to the Public Defenders office and also the local Judges chambers to ask
if they would suspend his court dates until he completed the 6 mos rehab program. No word
back from any of them. He also applied as a volunteer to the local animal shelter, no reply back
from them either.  So, he is still in waiting limbo, a very unsettling and fearful spot he put himself
in.  He is also attending two AA meetings, one a MENS AA meeting and one a regular AA meeting.
If he had only done all this a couple months ago before his arrests..what a shame!

Well, too nice of a day to be here writing at a PC. Tomorrow I will blog the history of our
addicted family and you will see the trial and tribulations of generations of addictions and
the unnecessary hardships the addictions have caused.

Thought for the day: Change:

 

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.

James Gordon, M.D.