Keep on trucking

                                                           

Hello, I needed some cheering up so I added a rainbow. Yesterday was the pits at work. We are so short staffed it's not healthy for the few of us that are still there.  I've been looking for a new job but it is slim pickings out there. So, I will just keep on trucking. 

My son and I have been getting along fairy well these past few days. He seems to be staying away from the heroin. His next court date is May 13th. To be honest, I am so stressed and exhausted from my job that I actually don't even seem to care anymore what comes out of my son's court case.

I am still praying long hours each day. I need a drastic life change and I don't know how to make it happen. Sometimes I vision myself getting into my little car with my dog and just driving.
Driving until I run out of gas and money and what ever town I end up in that's where I would try to
start my life over again. Destiny. For now, I will just plug along, suffer daily at my job and
wait until we have the outcome of my son's court cases.

For now: Keep on trucking everyone, be safe.

   

God helps those who help themselves

A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.
       


    I had just typed out a really long post and my pc rebooted so I lost it all. I also FOOLISHLY
went on an interview today for a SALES rep for an Insurance company. Now, don't get me wrong, I know Ins. Sales rep can make good money and it's an important job, but it's not me, and I was "tricked" into the interview, thinking I was interviewing for an office position. TWO HOURS later into this so called interview I got the balls to stand up to the speaker(several other suckers were there to) and say
"I am so sorry, but I have to leave now". When I returned to my current job, (from my so called DR
APPOINTMENT) I was so extra OVERLOADED I wanted to die. 

I know "God helps those who help themselves". So I have feverishly been applying for less stressful jobs, but again, my bad credit due to my son (school loan and bankruptcy from hiring lawyers for his
felony charges several years ago) and with my DUI a few years back, my chances of landing a mint job are about null.

On a strange up note; , my heroin addicted son, that has lost every job due to his addiction
and is unemployable at this time due to his background history, worked under the table for a decent man doing landscaping and received a little cash. Today he presented me with an IPOD ( from a pawn shop, but never the less a very nice gesture) and a little bit of rent money.

OMIG:   WOW. I can not tell you how many Walkmans, MP3 Players and IPods I have tried to enjoy over the past 10 years and he has managed to get his hands on them and sell them for heroin.

WOW...CRAPPY day for work, but a more pleasant day in my home life. 

I guess I will be happy with the hand I was dealt today. I had to write this post today in order to see
the good in today versus the bad.

Advice to you, WRITE IT DOWN: GOOD VERSUS BAD. Write down what you have to be thankful
for no matter how trivial it may seem to you.

Be strong and PRAY, sort of doubting my faith agian today but I still stand by it.

Be safe and be strong!

 



I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.　 I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.　 ~Mother Teresa

　
　
　Woe, what a day from H_ll. I mean it is too much. As I told you yesterday, the company I work
for laid off three office employees. The company is "outsourcing" some of the work so
they laid off three fabulous workers. I am depressed about it. I really can’t stand my job, plus
I live in an ugly desert town. I left a quaint New England town and relocated here in the desert
hoping that my son, when he got out of prison in New England, would join me and get a new
start away from the drug dealers back in New England. Well he did move out to live with me and it worked for about a year. Then he went back to using. Oh hum.

So, in my current state of severe depression, I have a prayer that a little miracle happens, like
a little lottery win, not millions, though that would WONDERFUL, but several thousand dollars so
I can off my debt and relocate. I all ready researched it, I would relocate to Dunedin, FL. Yup,
that looks like the perfect town for me. I have actually applied online to jobs there, but I
have a huge employment problem: 1. Employers inquire about credit score, that seems so
ridiculous to me. Well, I went bankrupt several years ago when I was paying for a lawyer for my
son’s felony (conspiracy to sell illegal drugs) and now, I have my son’s school loan dinging my
credit score. Remember a couple posts back I told you that I STUPIDLY co-signed for some
school loans for him. I really thought that college would turn him around. Inspire him to
get a great job (in IT) and move up and beyond his drug addiction.

Oh how foolish. Now here’s another "foolish move" a few years ago I got the big "DUI", yup…what an idiot I am. So now when employers do a credit check and a background check I look like a demon for gosh sakes. So, I have managed to land my current job several years ago and besides the outrageous work load, they treat me fairly well in regards to pay and benefits. I just wish the facility was located in Dunedin Fl
I am in such a rut right now. I am a little bit over weight, but working on that, eating better
and trying to walk my dog more. My job is overload and exhausting me and then to boot
my addict son is waiting 3 court dates. I haven’t dated in years, most likely because
of the grey cloud I keep secured over my head.. As you can see I have that place stuck on my mind. I really am a great worker, it s a shame my history files make me out to be a loser. I’M SO BURNT OUT WITH LIFE!!!!Oh, if only a little dream would come true. Boy, no wonder no one is reading my blog,
it’s too depressing. Well, living with an addict and an addiction is depressing.

But I have faith that good things will be coming to me soon. Pray, Pray, Pray….
that’s all I can say…Pray and Pray….I just reminded myself, Keep faith that
God will shine his light on me…BUT PLEASE MAKE IT SOONER THAN LATER,
I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS RUT!There, I just pasted a smiley clip art pic at the top, that grey   cloud HAS to leave me one day soon.


Until tomorrow.　

balloon/drugs and job is the pits

If you keep sincerely asking for what's best, God will give you a very good chance to achieve it - even if you don't believe in God!
       - Bill Blackman

God will always open another door for you

Phew, what a Monday. Thank goodness for my wonderful day of rest yesterday, today was a nightmare.
It all started when I arrived at work in the morning. I was called into our GM’s office and told
to shut the door behind me. That is NEVER a good sign. Sure enough, it was not good.
I was informed that our Corporate office has just eliminated the "OFFICE" ( I am the Office Manager)
and the three office employees, AR clerk, AP/Payroll clerk and the "Contract Data Entry" positions were just out sourced and their positions were eliminated. As there is no longer an office, there is no need for an Office Manager. Miraculously, they are still keeping me on board and are shifting around
my title to HR Manager/Service Dept Assistant. The big wigs from Corp came
into the office around 4pm to make the announcement to the office folks. It was horrific.
In these hard times to be let go from a job. Plus, my new position, I feel like a fish out of water, floundering around.

Then, to get my thoughts together, I went home for lunch. My son was not home and I glanced into
his room and found another BALLOON end on his desk. For those of you that don’t know, and I am not sure if I really know all about it, but some drugs are delivered in rubber balloon ends, tied off usually with a rubber band.
I will look online and give you more of a description of it. So if you start to find balloon ends
around your child’s room, BEWARE!
So he used again!

I am a little confused with my faith right now. I have been praying so hard for so long, and
I try to help others as often as I can. With my black clouds hanging over my head (a super stressful
job and a heroin addicted son) I wallow with my grief and probably don’t help others as often
as I should. I adopted an adorable little dog from a rescue shelter so I justify that as helping
the world in a small part and I also decided to write this blog to help anyone who feels
as lost as I do. Though right this very minute I feel like my world is shattered and should end as I feel so low, I am still training myself to trust God’s way, maybe all this is the start of my prayers being
answered. Plus, I have to be grateful that I made the layoff cut. I will have to see what God has
in store for me, I trust he is guiding me to a better place.

Until tomorrow, I’ll keep you posted…literally "posted" (with a new post)haha

Be safe!

Getting back in shape, mentally and physically

Hi all, I have that starting today, I am going to get back into shape,
I am TRYING mentally to get into shape...by making up my mind to force my
son out of my home after his court dates (if he does not get into the Salivation Army Rehab
and/or if he does not prove to me that he has overcome his heroin addiction)

As I struggle with the "mentally" fit aspect, I have made up my mind to at least
get physically fit. I am going to lose about 30lbs, start walking my dog
on longer walks, working out and eat healthier. 

Jack gave me a good Easter Sunday, he did not use, we're both home,
he did not disappear for hours and hours, and we did not fight. I told
him of my plan to start getting into shape and he agrees it is not only
a great idea, but he will also try his hardest to keep clean so it does not
stress me out and I revert to sitting around 'sulking" and worrying eating
unhealthy 'comfort" food.

This is a good day folks, my years and years of praying for a turn around, it
might just be happening. Now,...if I could get a mini miracle and sell my
book and/or become a full time writer...now that would be my dream come true.
Dreams still come true...don't they?

We still have a rough road ahead, and the three court dates my son has to get through.
Maybe better days are ahead.

Thank you God

Fighting the addiction

The link I have listed below is a real good site to start with in your fight with addiction or
trying understand the addict in your life.

'Overcoming an addiction can be difficult, yet tens of thousands of have succeeded. You can, too.

Most people try and fail a number of times before they succeed. You do not want to use this as an excuse, but do not lose heart.

Admitting that there is a problem is a good first step (and a very difficult one for many people).

Even if you are "sober" now, realizing the potential problem is important. Your battle is often largely fought and won before your moments of weakness. There are many ways to strengthen yourself and make life more fulfilling, reducing addiction's attractiveness.

You are invited to print out this article as a "to do" list. I suggest re-reading it on a regular basis, to help you think of new, constructive things to do.

The more positive steps you take, the easier your success can be. Here are examples (some of which you may already be doing):'

NOW, Click on the link and get more info: YOU CAN DO IT!

http://www.heartsandminds.org/self/addictltr.htm

A quiet Easter day

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight".
Benjamin Franklin

Happy Easter everyone. Today is peaceful in my home. Just my son Jack and myself.
Jack came home Friday night. I think he was clean and I think he has been clean
this whole weekend. I did not get a urine test from him
to assure myself he was clean. Perhaps I should of.
I have mandated that he is to give me clean urine tests
in order to live in my apartment. When he uses he makes up every excuse in the world
as why he can not give me a urine test. Oh the fights. It's so exhausting.

By the way, I put a link on my blog of a good website for ordering drug testing kits.
The kits are MUCH cheaper online versus the ones in the store.

It was quiet all day here, cloudy and windy, a good t.v. day. Jack just scooted out to
see visit a friend. I never know what will happen when he walks out the door.
But, like I have said before, I am going to see him through and let him live with
me until his court dates have cleared. I posted bail bonds for him and I can not
afford to have him miss the court dates. The first court date is May, Friday the 13th.
Hope that's not an omen about how the day will go. This court date is for
his shoplifting. He went to a high end clothing store, walked out with an expensive
outfit and tried to return the outfit for a refund, about $400.00 and he was caught.
Amazing what the heroin stuff makes people do out of desperation.

Well, he returned and states he is in for the night. So all and all it has been a nice Easter,
no fights, no arrests, no ill feelings ...just a day of rest.

We have to appreciate those uneventful even "boring" days when we live with addiction.

I hope you're Easter Sunday was as peaceful as mine, and if it was not, if you had the fighting,
the door slaming, the ill feelings of dispare, hang in there, tomorrow is another day and you're
bound to get a peaceful day in soon. 

My prayers tonight will be for all us suffering with addictions or living with addicts.

GOD BLESS

Hmm, Jack has not been home since yesterday

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts.　 ~Charles Dickens
　This will be a short post today. Jack left me a message on my phone last night that he was
staying over at some friends house. A nice break for the both of us. I was relieved he was
not arrested again. I hope I am not speaking too soon as he has not returned home yet so
one never knows what he’s up to.

This post I will share with you my trials and tribulations with drinking. As you know, my father
was an alcoholic so I know how damaging drinking is yet there was a period in my life I did not
adhere to my own warnings. I started drinking in my teens. I only drank at parties and when I did drink I drank to get drunk. I was a runner back in high school, I ran the half mile race.
My senior year I made it to the final championship race for the half mile. Can you believe that I
went to a party the night before and drank like a fool? The next day I endured a two hour bus ride
and then ran a half mile race all with a hangover. Of course I got the worst race time in my life and I will never forget the disappointing look on my coach’s face that day, I suspected he knew.
I should of learned from that day to stay away from alcohol but I didn’t. After I graduated I moved
out on my own. That was a real struggle. As you read in my previous posts I married young and was
pregnant with my son shortly after I married. I was pretty much sober for the first several years of my son’s life. It was after the divorce and the weekends that my son went to his dad’s that I started the heavy drinking. I would go out bar hopping, and if I was too broke to go out the bars I drank at home.
The real trouble started when I no longer just drank on the weekends Jack was at his dad’s house,
I started drinking every weekend. This troubled my son greatly. I remember the days I would come
home with the beer and he would meekly say "mom, please don’t drink tonight". I justified
it by usually waiting until he went to bed before I would crack open the beers and start chugging
them down. So between Jack seeing me drink on the weekends and then seeing his dad drinking each
time he was with him it’s no wonder he is an addict. Jack was in his teens (an impressionable age and I as a parent was a drunk, dreadful!) when I drank my heaviest. He was 16 when he first started using heroin, I sometimes try to blame my drinking on the fact that his using drove me to drink,..but was it my drinking that drove him to using?

So you see, I understand addiction and I tend to feel that I played a part in my son’s addiction
that is why I have been lenient with him over the years. But it’s been long enough, he needs to turn his life around or I have no choice but to put him out on the streets.Oh the damage I did by drinking. Later on I will share a couple of my humiliating horrible drunk stories.
Think I will go out for a walk to get some fresh air.

Happy Easter everyone, be safe!

The addicts saga takes a turn: Jail?

Never think that God's delays are God's denials.Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.　 ~Georges-Louis Leclerc

Today’s post was going to be more about me and my trial and tribulations with drinking
but the saga with my son has taken a turn. This morning, while I was getting my coffee in the kitchen and getting ready for work my son, Jack, waltzed past me and said he was going to try to bum a cigarette off someone. You see, Jack is a smoker, and since he was fired from his last
job (for getting arrested for shoplifting) he has to go and look for cigarettes on the ground
(how gross is that?) or walk to the nearby shopping center and ask shoppers for a cigarette
(just as gross) since he has no money and I refuse to waste my money on cigarettes for him. Especially since I live paycheck to paycheck.
I felt something was wrong. First, why was he up at 7 am and going out just to look for a cigarette? Plus, my gut told me he was up to something. I reminded him to come right back to take the dog out for her morning walk. That is one of his choirs he is in charge for living with me and not being able to pay rent. He assured me he’d be right back and waltzed out the door.
He did not return by the time I left for work.

Remember I said I had a gut feeling something was wrong? Well, I ran home during my
lunch break and sure enough, there was no sign of my son being home since this morning.
So I immediately walked the dog, poor little girl, waiting for her morning walk that long.
I am so irate at Jack for breaking his promise to be right back to take her out.

Well, it’s now 5 pm, and no sign or word of where Jack is. I checked online my phone
bill records and starting at about 6am this morning he started making ramped phone calls
to this one number, all calls lasting only seconds. I left a nasty little note on the kitchen
table before heading back to work that I hoped he got arrested and I am frigin pissed off at him about not walking the dog.


My hunch? My hunch is that he needed a fix. He has no money, so he went to a nearby
store and tried to lift something once again. My hunch also thinks he got caught and was
arrested again.

If that is true, well, then be it, he did it to himself and I am not posting bail ever again.
In fact folks, I have decided that this time I am breaking all ties from him and will not
visit or contact him while he is in jail. My dream, to buy a small RV, sell everything I own
and drive, just drive, with my little pup, and when we find a nice, quaint little town, stop and
make it our home. Start over, new life, with the heroin addicted son left far behind.
Cold hearted, cruel? Why not at least support him while he’s in jail? Well folks,
read on, and after I have finished all my posts, I will then ask if you would do the
same or not.

I still have that gut/sick feeling that something is dreadfully wrong. Man,
does this EVER STOP??????
Until tomorrow, be safe!

The start/early years in the life of a heroin addict: resort to Tough love?

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak.　 Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.　 ~Author Unknown

Well, my last post I mentioned I was going to talk a little about my struggle in the past with drinking and how that plays into my decision of not using the "TOUGH LOVE" for my heroin addicted
son and kick him out on the streets. I have to confess, if my son is not sentenced to jail time, (read my previous posts, he is awaiting three court dates) and/or if he does NOT change his lifestyle then after all the court dates have cleared (I don’t want to owe on the bail bonds) then TOUGH LOVE will come into play and I am putting him out on the streets. I pray I don’t have to do that, but I am at the end of my rope and I have no other choice if I am to keep my sanity. But for now, we will take one court date at a time.Anyways, as I mentioned above, I was going to tell you about my struggles with drinking and
my role as an alcoholic mother, but as I dread writing that post I decided to choose an easier topic,
my Ex husband, yes, the alcoholic husband/father. I will not cast stones as when it comes to my turn
at the ‘chopping block" you will see I am no better. Jack’s father, Conrad, is a tremendously caring person, dedicated worker, easy going, no violent streak, and even has a sense of humor, when he’s not drunk.

If my father was an alcoholic why in the world did I marry one? Let me shed some light on that situation: I left home to get away from my troubles and moved across country when I was 18.
I met Conrad and we started dating. A couple months into the relationship I caught him cheating on me so we broke up. I accepted a new job and moved a couple states away and he joined the Air Force.
Well, boot camp made him shave off his long hair, told him they owned him and scarred him silly.
Me, well, financially I was a wreck. My weekly grocery shop was limited each week to:
a bag of potatoes, eggs and milk. From that lovely inexpensive shop I could make:
Scrambled eggs with hash browns, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes with eggs, egg salad,
french fries…oh ya…those were tough years financially. So, when Conrad showed up at my
doorstep in a blue Air Force Suite after boot camp I saw him as my knight in shining amour.
We married a few months later. I became pregnant the week we married and caught him
cheating on me again about a month afterwards. We were two scarred kids
that married out of fear of surviving on our own. As I reflect back, to marry Conrad was like
putting a wild cougar in a cage. I knew then that my life would be a rough and rocky road, I either
divorce him and struggle as a single parent, or struggle being married to him and have some comfort of the support of another parent. Struggled is just what we did for the next few years. 　I finally got the nerve to divorce him when one weekend evening I was awoken by Conrad stumbling into our apartment at wee hours of the morning. He was crying, when I asked him what happened, he confessed that when I gave him my paycheck earlier the previous day to deposit in the bank for rent he went out and played poker that night and lost it all. I was dumbfounded. We were living the civilian life
at that time and living paycheck to paycheck. That was one of many of his drunken blunders but that was the one that broke the camel’s back. I did not start drinking and get my drunken blunders until a few years later.For a quick moment I would like to share and incredible story about an unbelievable act of human kindness that happened that weekend. Conrad was at work the next day and there was a knock at the door. I answered and there were three men at the door that introduced themselves and asked if they could come in. My instincts let them in, once in the apartment they pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to me. They informed me that they were the ones that Conrad lost the money to the previous night and when they heard he took my paycheck that was for rent and they had already known we had a small child, they knew they had to return the money. I thanked them immensely, and we even laughed together as they suggested I never let him know I got the money back and make him suffer with the guilt. But the damage to the marriage was already done and I filed for a divorce.
Jack was only five years old when I divorced Conrad and it was devastating to him. We went to family counseling for a short duration to try to help him except it better. As parents we did the best we could, but it never feels like it was good enough. Conrad soon had a live-in girlfriend that really had no
desire to deal with a child. So between me trying to date, going out to clubs with girlfriends and Conrad trying to work his new relationship and enjoying partying on the weekends, Jack was just
tossed around between the two of us with no real strong family base.

It was not long that Conrad and his girlfriend had their own child so the alternating weekends
Jack had at his father’s always had rivalry and stress. I, at the other end, was not providing the
best of a family life for Jack either. That will be my next post…which I dread.

So Jack’s childhood could have been better, could have been worst. And as I said in my first post
"get over it", no matter how good or bad your childhood was, it is never an excuse to continue an
addiction. It may have been the reason for the onset of the addiction, but it is never an excuse
for the continuation of the addiction. Well, this is a lot of reading so I will close now.

Be safe and remember, if your dwelling on your past "get over it!" move onto to a better future.　
　
　
　

Faith is believing that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is. ~Colette Baron-Reid

Today went well in court for my son Jack. The Judge gave him a court date in June.
As I mentioned earlier, there was a very good chance that he could of received a jail sentence
at any one of his 3 recent court dates (arraignments) because he has broken the conditions of his bond. The last of the arraignments are over now he has three actual court dates in place.

Moving on;
So he now has a court date in May and two court dates in June. These dates will
be the deciding factor if he is sentenced to jail time or not. So he (and me) are in
that "waiting game" of life again.

I am not sure that Jack is on the mission of turning his life around or not. He talks
a good talk, but that is a trait of addicts, they learn to con very well. He often says to me
‘mom, stop worrying about me and just live your own life". I then have to remind him that
he is unemployed and lives with me. I am paying on his school loan I co-signed for and
it was a program he never completed. I am still paying on a credit card I used to fix his old car. He lost his license to a DUI so I have to transport him to court. I transport him to court because I paid for his bailbond and I can’t afford to lose that money if he doesn’t make it there. Plus, he steals from me. The most recent that floored me happened just a few weeks ago. I finally treated myself to a couple new pieces of clothing, as all of mine are starting to look old and worn. I purchased a pair of pants and a shirt from the local Kmart. Unbelievably, Jack went into my bedroom and took the shirt out of the shopping bag and the receipt and RETURNED IT and kept the money. Unbelievable isn’t it? When he says "stop worrying about me and just live your own life" he is sincere about it, which just goes to show how sad the disease really is that he can’t even see the impact his addiction has on MY life.
Ok, now I hear you all screaming at me "kick him out! You’re enabling him!", ‘You fool!"
Have you ever heard the song "What's it like...God forbid you had to walk a mile in their shoes"
by Everlast? I have included a link to YOUTUBE so you can hear it. Listen to it,
and that’s about the sum of my answer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4z9f9Eybv4I

You have to remember from my earlier blog that I mentioned I am from a family of
alcoholics, I became an alcoholic and I married an alcoholic. So I understand addiction,
I understand anger against addicts and better yet, I appreciate support and forgiveness.
Plus, I have booted him out onto the streets before. When he lived in the streets he became
strung out. When I came across him I took him back in and revived him. Now, he
struggles with using and it is still ruining his life, but he is not strung out.
So, with that experience under my belt, and the fact that I made the choice to post
his bail, I elect to try to keep him off the streets at least until he makes his
final court date so I don’t have to come up with the rest of the bail bond.
So there is a method to my madness….I guess???

I have already provided you insight of what it was like living with an alcoholic father in earlier posts. My next blog I will tell what it was like being an alcoholic mother, ME!

Until we meet again…be safe and keep the faith!

To Jail or NOT to Jail, that is the question

Well, my son is currently at his third court arraignment. He has been arrested two times for shoplifting
and once for being caught in a public restroom using. So far he has already had two arraignments,
one for one of the shoplifting charges and the other for the using in a public restroom. He was
given a court date in May and one in June for those two incidents.
Today we find out if this other charge for shoplifting
will put him in jail for breaking his "bond" conditions or if the courts will grant
him a court date and not put him in jail while he awaits the actual sentence.

My prayer...God, do what is right, if he will not change his life, put him behind bars, if
he is talking to you and is on the right road, guide him.

Will update you later today as to what was decided in court today.

Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around. ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb, "Rock Bottom

Hi, well it’s the eve before one of my son’s court dates. Tomorrow’s court date is for shoplifting.
He is unemployed so he cannot afford a lawyer. I live paycheck to paycheck so I can’t afford
one for him either, and to be honest, even if I could I would not hire a lawyer for him. Too many
times I have bailed him out financially only to get burnt. I ridiculously cosigned for school loans
for him for "computer repair" courses. Thousands of dollars worth of school loans later, he dropped out. He has not paid a cent on any of the loans and as I am the cosigner, I am now in debt to years
of a school loan. It has destroyed my credit rating. "Why would I do such a foolish thing?" you ask,
I guess my only answer is ‘because I am his mother". The other debt I am struggling with is that
my son actually got hired as a computer repair person at a corporate a couple states away from where
we live now. I was so excited, again I thought he would pull out of his addiction with this new promising job that started him at $32,000.00 a year. I thought he would soon be able to start
paying on his school loans and he would put the addicted years behind me. The fact that he
even got this superb job and he did not even finish college was a mini miracle in itself. I was
thinking it was a gift from God.

It was only a couple months later I got a call that his car was broken down and he needed it for work.
I again rescued him by repairing the car with a credit card. Oh ya,..how stupid was that? Don’t answer!
Anyways, $4000.00 later his car was fixed. I did have common sense to pay the auto shop directly
so the money did not pass through his hands. A few weeks later, he was fired. When he returned to my home I found needles, balloon pieces and black residue all over that car, need we say more as to why he was fired?

So close to a good life but yet so far. I am still struggling to pay on that credit card along with the school loan. Oh ya, I have made my monetary investment in my son and those days are done.

So where am I at right now, well, my faith is its strongest right now. I am praying that
a righteous decision comes out of all this. If my son is not capable of coming clean and turning his
life around, then regrettably I ask God to have the legal system send him off to jail to save my sanity and to benefit society.

It is a shame that we put alcoholics and drug addicts in the jail system, they should be under lock and key in a medical facility, but those days are long gone and jail is the only place society has provided them.
So be it, if the good Lord knows he will never straighten out, then I pray the courts lock him up.
The second half of my prayer is, if the good Lord foresees he can turn his life around, if
the Salvation Army 6 month rehab program is the program that will change him, then
I pray to the Lord to allow the courts to see this avenue as the best way and to spare him jail time.
I am done praying directly for him, I figure my son, Jack, needs to pray for himself and his
rehabilitation, I have exhausted my prayers. I am now praying for my own sanity and may
the Lord do whatever is necessary to help me get my sanity and life back.One day at a time, we will see what tomorrow brings.
Thanks for reading.

“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive” quote by Alan Paton

It's Sunday: Day of rest
Unfortunately living with addictions there is no day of rest.

Two more days until my son goes to one of his court dates. Yesterday was actually a good day for us,
he stayed home and I don't believe he has used for a day or so. He said he is going to the
men's AA meeting tomorrow night. But those are words, actions are what count.

As always, I am in hopes that he is going to turn his life around, but I have had this hope so many times and so far it he has always failed. Plus we are not sure if he will be sentenced to jail time, some think that would be good at least it would keep him clean, but unfortunately, they get drugs in prison. I can only
pray and put my faith into God that he will guide us and do whats best for both of us.

I had mentioned earlier in my blog that I would give you this story from the beginning.
I never really knew my Grandfather, he passed when I was very young, but I was told he
was tough on my father as he was an alcoholic.
My father was also an alcoholic. He passed a few years ago and I am not here to wine about
the family past. I will say that when my father was not drunk, he was a real decent person.
I could go on and on of the "drunk" stories I endured in my childhood with my father but
I don't feel it is appropriate. There is only one story that I will share that will provide you the
impact of how tough it is living with alcoholism.
When I was about 12 my mother finally had enough of the drunken abuse and she served papers
to my dad for a divorce. She told me the morning she served the papers to make sure I
kept my baby sister (8 years of age) out of the house for the day while she was at work
because she did not know how dad would react to the news. We were on school break so
I took my little sister to the local park and spend endless hours there assuring we were out
of the house long enough for my dad to come get his things and leave.
After what seemed like eternity at the park I took my sister home. All seemed quiet in the house
so I figured dad had come and gone. We went to my room to play a board game.
It was not long after we started the game when I heard a car pull up in the driveway and
a car door shutting. I ran to the window and saw my dad walking up to the house.
Horrified and filled with fear I escorted my kid sister into my closet. We hid as far back as
we could in the closet. We sat there in the dark and waited. We waited, and waited and waited and
waited. I finally made the big sister decision that it was safe enough to leave the closet.
I figured he must of gotten his things by now and already left. We returned to our board game
and I move onward to look out the window to check that he left. Much to my surprise, I saw his
car still in the driveway, and before I could react and hide my sister again, I heard his footsteps
coming up the stairs. He was only seconds from reaching my bedroom. I was shaking with fear.
I sat next to my sister and instructed her to act like we were in the middle of the game.
"Hi kids", my dad said as he walked into my room. "Hi' we said. He was not drunk so
my fear started to subside. He walked past us and went to the closet we were recently hiding in.
He opened it and reached in and got the suite case that we were hiding behind. He walked back
past us without another word. I sat at my bedroom window and watched. It was not long afterwards
I saw dad getting into his car with his belongings and he pulled out of the driveway. It was
the end of our "family" as we knew it.
I often wonder what my father's reaction would of been if he found us hiding in the closet.
If he was drunk and found us, it would of been ugly. But as he was sober, would it have
left an impact with him how afraid we were of him? Would it have made him give up drinking?
We will never know. What does it take for people to give up drugs or alcohol?

To those who read this...don't let that be you. Don't let your family be afraid of you because of
your drinking or drugs. It is so unnecessary and ruins what could be a good life.

Ok enough for today....beautiful day outside..going out for a walk to absorb some sunshine.
Until tomorrow

All is quiet at the homefront

Well, it is Saturday, a lovely day outside. All is quiet here today, amen. For those of you that have just joined
this blog, my young adult son, Jack, is a heroin addict. He is up against three court dates, this upcoming
Tuesday is one of the dates, and it just so happens to be his birthday today. He is humble today.
He appears to be clean. A few years back Jack was a very heavy heroin user and to come off of it
he had to go through severe detox symptoms. As we go on in the blog you will get more details
on what that was like..so those of you who are contemplating using..>DON"T, it's a living hell.
Now, he is a random user, so when he comes off of it he does not suffer the severe detox like he use to.
But don't get me wrong here...even though he is a random user, it is still destroying his life. As
he has THREE court dates (two for shoplifting and one for getting caught in a public restroom with
a syringe and spoon, they arrested him public nuisance on that one)

Anyways, we have no idea what will happen this Tuesday in court. He may get a jail sentence, he
may not, he is taking one day at a time, one court date at a time. For today,we are having a steak dinner and cake for Jack's birthday. Jack has applied to the Salvation Army 6 mos rehab program and
wrote a letter to the Public Defenders office and also the local Judges chambers to ask
if they would suspend his court dates until he completed the 6 mos rehab program. No word
back from any of them. He also applied as a volunteer to the local animal shelter, no reply back
from them either.  So, he is still in waiting limbo, a very unsettling and fearful spot he put himself
in.  He is also attending two AA meetings, one a MENS AA meeting and one a regular AA meeting.
If he had only done all this a couple months ago before his arrests..what a shame!

Well, too nice of a day to be here writing at a PC. Tomorrow I will blog the history of our
addicted family and you will see the trial and tribulations of generations of addictions and
the unnecessary hardships the addictions have caused.

Thought for the day: Change:

 

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.

James Gordon, M.D.

The Saga

hi there…TGIF..yeah..Friday evening, tough work week I’m glad it’s over.
Oh, ya,, back to the blog:

I am going to tell you a little bit about the current situation and how it provoked me to start this blog

and as time goes on I will retrace our (my son and mine) footsteps back in time which will help show you how he got in the tough predicament he is in today while all along I will keep you abreast about the
outcome of my son’s court cases.

My son is 24 years old and still lives with me.  Ya, that’s a whole other story J

As I write this he is currently waiting for THREE court dates, all scheduled over the next couple months, two for shop lifting and one for “public nuisance” . The “public nuisance” is really not as it sounds, he was caught in a public restroom with a syringe and a spoon and matches. He already used the heroin so they did not arrest him for drugs. He was polite and did not resist arrest but they still arrested him for “public nuisance”. He shopped lifted to try to get money for his next fix.

Now, you all must be thinking what a horrible person this kid is but trust me when I say he is actually a really good kid. I know, that’s hard to believe from the paragraph I wrote above
but it’s the honest truth. He has absolutely no violent streak, he is mild mannered, loves animals, good
with kids, clean cut, handsome and actually very intelligent. He attended college for computer repairs.
So in one paragraph I tell you of the illegal things he’s done and the pickle he is in and

in the next paragraph I tell you what a great kid he is…conflict with these two paragraph?..yes.. what is the conflict…it’s HEROIN!!!!!

Is he scared, yes, very. He has already spent a year in jail several years back for using with
“intent to sell”.  Is he scared enough  to get off it NOW? I am not sure how all this will play out.
He says he is..but those are words and a heroin addicts words are worthless as they are con artists.
He just applied for the Salvation Army Rehab program but they will not accept his application
until the court dates have come and gone in case he gets sentenced and it would interrupt his
rehab. He wrote a letter to the local Judge’s chambers and also to the Public Defender asking
that his court dates be put out on hold until he completes the six month Salvation Rehab, no one
has gotten back to him. He basically has been fired from every job he has ever had, and as you read on in this blog, you well be astonished at the high level positions he has had and has lost all of them because of heroin. He has however applied to work as a volunteer in the local animal shelter, but that has a waiting list, so basically he is in the “wait limbo” of life.  He does want to work, that is a plus.

Well, he has one of the court dates (shoplifting) is this upcoming Tuesday. I will keep you updated on the outcome. Besides my daily job being a very very very stressful job, I live paycheck to paycheck and the stress of my son’s addiction I am basically at my wits end, this blog helps me vent. Some of you
think, “well, kick him out of your life and that will be one less stress”, well, that scenario is for another day and another post.

Until tomorrow, be safe!

The thought for the day:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you but give you hope and a future."~ Jeremiah 29:11

And

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.  ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

Don't Give Up

Well hello, welcome back.  Today’s post is about not giving up. Whether you are the addict or
the loved one of the addict, DO NOT GIVE UP!

If you’re the loved one of the addict:

As you search for answers/help with your situation you will come
across phrases such as: Enabler, Co-dependent and Tough Love.

My definitions are:

Enabler: you allow the addict to live with you or you bail them out in many more ways than one, thus
allowing the addict to continue the addiction with a comfort zone.

Co-dependent: You have become so use to the stress and burden of the addict that you are
 actually use to these feelings and you feel you would be useless if that person was to move
out.

Tough Love: You detach yourself from the addict and cut off all contact so they are forced
to see the reality of their addiction and they realize they cannot make it in the world on their own
if they continue with the addiction.

Over the next few weeks I will tell you of my experience with all of the above and hope it
will shed some insight to your situation.

No matter what decisions you make on how to handle the situation with the addict, do not
give up hope. I enforce this motto by having a religious faith. I have found that my strong
faith in God has kept me sane. I have included two links to wonderful radio stations that play
contemporary encouraging songs that promote hope and faith.  If you do not already belong to a religious facility then I encourage you to at least listen to one of these radio stations. In regards to finding a religious facility that is suited to you and your beliefs start by asking around, co-workers, family or friends, then, try them out. Attend services and see if it feels right for you. Don’t give up if
the first few places you try do not fit your style. There is one out there for you. Again,
start with the radio stations I have listed and you will feel a slight bit of the burden start to lift.
And, PRAY, try it, it’s free and puts your tired and stressed out mind into a different mode for
a few moments.  DON’T GIVE UP!

If you’re the addict:

Stop it, just plain stop it now. Easier said than done, I know. I have been both,
the alcoholic parent and made my son the victim and though I am a non drinker now, I am now the victim of a heroin addicted son.

Here’s some input to hopefully help you.

If you are young and living with parents and your “partying"has not turned into an
 addiction YET…stop, stop now. Especially if the family you are living with
are drinkers, addicts or abusive to you. You repeating their behavior is not the way to go.
Stand strong, realize you will soon be a young adult and out on your own and that miserable
lifestyle you are currently in will be behind you.

If you stay on the straight and narrow path now you will pull out of that miserable lifestyle of drugs and alcohol and YOU WILL BE THE ONE TO BREAK THAT CHAIN of misery.
It’s tough, I know. Remember, if a so called “friend” or “peer” is waving drugs or alcohol
in front of you, most likely they are in it for the money they will get from you buying it.
Especially drug dealers,  they appear to be your friend, will often offer the first time free
because that is all it takes to get you hooked. Once hooked, the dealer (or as you think
of them, “your friend”) will own you. You are now supporting them financially. The addiction
will destroy your life and enhance their financial life. Please be aware of this and avoid
these type of people at all cost. 

Try taking your mind off your peer problems or home life problems. Get lost in reading books,
the library is free and offers a safe environment, strive to get incredible great school grades, join a church group or an after school program. If your home situation or peer pressure situation is starting to scare you too much, seek adult help from someone you trust, School Counselors or Church Counselors, just don’t give up trying to find an adult to help you. 

If you are using and feel it’s time to get the help you need I suggest that if you don’t
already have a religious faith, you seek one out. If your using there is a good chance
the folks you are hanging out with do not follow a faith. Break away from these people,

walk into a religious facility and try it. If it is not your thing, try another.
If you are not ready to take such a step, try listening to one of the radio
stations I listed on my blog, I have attached the links. Contact one of the organizations
I listed on my blog with a link. Pray, try it. Believe in a higher power. Try it.
Just take that first step. Don’t give up!

If you follow my blog over the next several weeks I will give you true stories of how
addiction has ruined good people’s lives.

Thought for the day: DON’T GIVE IN TO DRUGS AND DON”T GIVE UP SEEKING HELP.

Thanks for reading, hang in there and hope you join me tomorrow.

How did the addiction ever get started?

Hi out there. If you have come upon my blog then I suspect there is a chance you are either living with an addiction or have loved ones that are addicts. I write this blog in hopes to help keep you sane, no matter what your situation is. I have just reached my 50th birthday and I hope to save
as many of you out there as I can from making the same mistakes I did.  There were so many moments in my life that if I had made a different decision, in a split second, just a different decision,
I could of perhaps prevented and even ended some of the madness and craziness that you are about to read about
over the next several weeks.  I will give you a quick outline of my situation and I assure you I have experienced just about all angles of addictions and I am sure through out my blog you be able to relate to one situation or another. 

- My father and Grandfather were alcoholics
-I married an alcoholic
-I, regretably, became an alcohlic
-My only son, is a heroin addict.
  Later on I will share some horror stories of the listed above while under the influence.
  Hopefully the stories will make you NEVER want to start!

So, as my title states...How does it all start?   (hopefully my last blog title when I have finished
with all this will be "This is how it all stops!") Well, I guess it can start with family habits and genes.
I have read up on all this and there is medical truth that it can easily be passed on down for generations.
Perhaps not the same preference of addiction, but never the less, the addiction gene can get passed down. It can be as simple as just lack of confidence or lack of faith in a higher power, with out either of those fear can consume you. The fear of daily life. Peer presure, family presure, love life, lack of love life, money, jobs, the daily tv news..just the fear of life period. Everyone has these fears with some level of degree but some families fester on the fear more easily, then if you throw in the way a family tradition of
how they deal with the fears, either by drinking, drugs, over sexed, cruelity...well...then it becomes
family heredity/ trait.  If by some unique chance that the addiction is of no cause from family "traits" if you will, then it comes down to good old environment/surroundings. Understanding how far back the 'reason" for the addiction stems from in your
situation is important because it helps with the understanding of how they got to the miserable addiction level they did and can provide some sympothy when the addict does horrific things. But a critical point of all this is...when you analyize the inital onset of how the addiction began you can not, ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT (and yes, I have my caps on so I am yelling this :)  )
use this knowledge as a pity party and wallow around with the knowledge and use it as justification
for being an addict. It's too easy to say.."Ya,so what if I got
Sh_t faced and got arrested, my parents were drunks" 

Oh, get over it.....it's
time to turn it around, acknowledge how it got started, forgive those who may have brought the
onset of the addiction onto you and then make the change to FIX it.

Ok,...going to take a break now...next blog..will start with some of the horror stories. I hope to show you all out there the evils of drugs and over use of alcohol and what the loved ones around you have to go through.
And if you are one of those "loved ones" trying to decide weather or not to boot out the addict from
your life...the "tough love" tactic, well, keep reading, I hope to shed some insight that situation.

Thanks for reading! Until tomorrow.